Where to begin? I have two more shifts left at my current job and not enough money to fix my van to get off the island and stay off the island. I could be open to receiving help, and I am, but now I have come to the point where I have to earn it. There is a service that I must honour and that is being the creative boss that I have always been patiently waiting to live out as. So I return to my list of virtues, I repeat to myself, Prudence, the ability to see the outcome of one’s decisions and choose wisely. For myself, this is proper preparation. Then it is the execution to completion, which takes another virtue, Diligence. All the while remaining a steady force that is able to persevere, which for myself takes Tenacity, strength of mind.
It starts with me. I have to embrace the mentality of being IT. IT being the whatever I want IT to be. At the moment, IT is other than myself. I have accounts to settle, and basically straight up $h*t to swim through, before I can fully embrace my created IT. I would say that is a vague way to state that, I don’t exactly know what the f@*% I am actually doing, but I know exactly who I want to be.
Vivid visualizations have helped me imagine in detail what my ideal life would be like. I imagine every detail from the moment I open my eyes. I wake up (thank my lucky stars), and I’m in a spacious titanium white room with large window like walls that flood the room with natural light. The bed is King sized and covered in a blend of stark white bedsheets, hotel like bedding, with big pillows and soft sheets, all within a minimal golden piped frame. I lay in bed and look over to one of the two bedside metallic tables holding a large vase of white lily flowers. I can smell what they would smell like. I realize that I am alone, but I love to stretch my limbs in every direction, and now I have the day to myself. I slowly wake up, stretch in bed before slipping into my sweet white fuzzy slippers and shuffling across the marble floors. Straight to the lovely, also bright white with many windows, skylight-above-the-sink type of kitchen. There is an island, also with marble, where I make my tea in my beautiful Japanese tea pot, than I sit and meditate on my balcony, before taking a bath, than going for a swim, and it goes on and on all the way until the last thing I see and how I feel when I close my eyes.
You can see that I am dreaming big here, but I can already tell you that I have created my ideal bed to wake up in now. I bought the white sheets, and the hotel like duvet, I even bought a couple furry throws and a cashmere like blanket, tied in with fluffy white pillows and fairy lights. I made sure that I would go to bed and wake up happy, no matter what. It is a sort of soft fluffy heaven. Yes, I am proud of myself; for making this happen, has brought me one step closer to living my dream.
The question, “What do I need?” has continuously been playing itself over and over. Before moving to the island, I had to pack up and move out, and I found a certain book very useful in more ways than I could have ever imagined. It is called “The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up; The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing“ by Kon Mari. I only listened to the audiobook as I went through all of my belongings, and sorted out exactly what I would bring and what no longer brought me joy. So I faced what I had been carrying, and what I no longer needed to carry with me. It than also helped me compartmentalize, or to understand how to create order within my own thought processes and decision making.
Ever since I started living my van, I have felt the need to brush up on my Kon Mari ways of being. With so little space and having moved around continuously for almost a full year now the weight of my belongings has become all the more apparent.
For example, one of my working tables, it has drawers on both sides and two options for a foldable desk, I used it a lot for crafting, but it is terribly heavy. After moving it to it’s third home I never wanted to move it ever again. Unfortunately, it is the same with some things I have more attachments to, like my plants and my stones. I love all of my beautiful plants, like my aloe vera, my air plants, and my cactus, but I can’t carry around pots of dirt. I love my crystals and my stones, but I am literally hauling rocks. You could call me a turtle. I’m carrying my home with me wherever I go, but it is also emotional, just as much as it is physical. Emotional tidying up after a messy break up has to be a high priority, otherwise I’ll just be carrying it further down the road. So now it’s important to step back and put it all on the table. The reactors, the reactions, the thought processes, the functionality of thoughts and feelings have to be evaluated.
Now is the time where I have to discern what do I need, really?