I would like to make it clear that I am OK, even when I am not. Every thing is all right, even when it is wrong. This has truly become a journey of the Fool, and as I watch the life I leave behind slowly burn, I’m still smiling.
A little darkness never hurt. In reality, it is only making more room for a larger quantity of light. Sometimes it feels like I took a dagger to my own heart, and plunged it straight through the ribs, than slowly pulled it out and tossed the blade aside. Only to sit there on my knees and numbly bleed out. Can I feel pain? The slightest movement and I am reminded of the self inflicted wound. So I stay there in the stillness, and hope to heal, but than I grab the point again and shove it back into it’s place! Hah! I might as well open it up as much as I can take. Yes, this is a cruel way to metaphorically explain heartbreak,upon heartbreak, upon heartbreak, but I’m just being honest.
You have to tear the muscle, to build it up, the same rules apply to the heart.
And as I let the muscle repair itself, I remind myself to be still. Be still. Patience. Honour the feelings, the thoughts, the struggle, but don’t let yourself become attached to them. That is how I remain completely okay. It is a loving, and compassionate, detachment.
At some point within the Fool’s journey, there is a phase of introspection, the card is called “The Hermit” where the attention and focus is drawn inward. So, I have come to realize that now is a time for complete solidarity, a difficult but necessary action in order to reach deep understanding of why life is the way it is.
I keep remembering the book/movie, “Into the Wild”. For those that don’t know it, the story features a top student and athlete, Christopher McCandless, whom abandons all of his possessions, gives his entire $24,000 savings account to charity, and hitchhikes to Alaska to live in the wilderness on his own. Whilst his story has a sad and tragic ending, his journey into the wild reminds me a lot of the Hermit, who seeks answers within and knows that they will come only with quiet and solitude.
Don’t worry, there will be no eating of unknown flora…and heading North isn’t in the cards either, just the opposite.
For now, I am finding my own light and shining it on my soul and creating my own path. This is so good! Even when it isn’t! It is brilliant.