Well, here I am again, continuing to fall. For a moment I thought I was grounding out, but then I realized I was just holding on while flailing around aimlessly. Grabbing on to anything around me to try and stabilize the situation. In this time I have realized two things. One, the power of silence, and two, the bank accounts we open with other people when we begin relationships of any kind.
There is definitely a reverse meaning to both of these things that have been unseen until now. Firstly there is power in external silence and taking a second before you react, or letting someone speak and really listening, but now it’s silencing the mind. There is so much power in internal silence, but it is a great challenge.
The Bank of Self, is where you decide to open up an exchange of energy with others, what we also have to realize is how many accounts we have opened at other’s banks. How much do we have, to put into these banks, and how much are we getting back. Are these mutual accounts, or have they become one sided now? Has someone ran out of credit? Have we ourselves run out of credit? When do we decide it is time to close down these accounts?
Where am I now? Realizing that my funds have hit rock bottom, and at the same time, greatly appreciating the credit that I have built for myself at other banks to where I am still getting something without feeling like I have to give much back in return. Unfortunately, this is a time of closing accounts, and saying it in that way could be completely cold, but that is because I have been at a place where I have to compartmentalize. Everything is in boxes.
I’ve been putting all of my thoughts and feelings into more metaphorical boxes. In hopes that by organizing the boxes I could too find a nothing box to sit in. Unfortunately, my brain is more like one long tangled cord where everything seems to be connected, and I just can not seem to find the nothing box. I keep looking for a mess to clean up and finding that there is a limitless supply of mess and that almost feels like a nothing box, because everything loses its significance. I have to realize now that there is such thing as the mythical nothing box and its there, I just have to sit in it and stop looking around.
I don’t think I am ready to stop speaking metaphorically and in analogies. Everything seems more simple this way.
“ Hi, Im Jessica, my thoughts and feelings are in boxes right now, I’m going to unpack them soon, but right now Im settling into my space.”
The in-between space. After the hands have been dealt and before you read into the meaning. That’s where I would like to sit for awhile.
On a less far out note, I’ve been taking a break from my phone. At first I kept getting waves of anxiety. How many phone calls have I missed? How many texts will show up when I look at it again? What if someone needs me? Then when it came time at the end of the day to check my phone, it really wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated. I’m starting to realize that no one really needs me. And if work called, well when Im off Im off. I am not responsible for anyone else but myself.
Where am I now? Well physically, I’m right at work again. My sanctuary. I came here to be fed and drink one glass of wine, then Ill go home and return to my bed. I’ve lost my appetite. Probably because my kitchen is dirty, and I don’t have the energy to put into anything, but moving myself forward. I feel slightly awkward with my interactions, my mind is in so many other places that I’m not really present. I’m half here. Where is the other part of me? Apparently, I am taking account of the many open accounts, and taking inventory. What do I have? What has to go?
For now, Ill continue to work, eat, sleep. Self preservation, hopefully leads to greater self awareness.