Where to begin…After breaking up with someone I loved for the longest time, then opening up to someone new that later rejected me, then rebounding with a man I later discovered was married (not separated), then finding myself trying to make it work again with my ex only to discover that there was too much damage to be undone, I’ve begin to see a pattern of attracting the broken hearted. I can only come to the conclusion that this must be because I am so heartbroken. I am so heartbroken. I am so heartbroken on so many levels.
I have let so many people in, and been left battered and bruised because of it. Not only were these romantic affairs, but people I thought loved me and cared about my well being. It can feel like a lifetime of heartbreak, if I let myself go there. Unfortunately the things I am feeling now, only serve to amplify everything I have yet to shift my perspective of. So how do we shift what can’t be undone?
Am I doomed to be eternally alone and heartbroken? A little melodramatic, yes, but that sinking feeling that I may never be loved by another again is hard to shake.
I know what I have to do to make it a bit more bearable, its the relationship I need to nurture most..you know too I’m sure. It should be the most fulfilling love story of your life, the one with the only person you’ll always be with, you’re the only one for you. It feels a little cliche to say, but if you can figure out how to go deeper into your relationship with yourself, my guess is, you can create your own supply of happiness to pull from whenever the need should arise.
You are the only one capable of exploring the corners of your mind, and there is so much more information behind your eyes patiently, and sometimes less patiently, waiting for you to acknowledge.
Lately, I have remembered the feeling of peace and love that envelops me, once I let myself go into deeper meditations. Like many, I struggle to quiet the thoughts, but recently discovered a technique to nip the thought in the bud before the train follows. With my eyes closed, I can still blink every time a sentence begins to form. It’s a bit tedious, but you eventually want to shut up.
Here is my meditation, I like to breathe and play with different colours of light. I imagine a very warm golden light that comes from the Earth’s core and starts to slowly spread from each toe up to the ankle to the knee to the hips all the way up to the top of my head relaxing every muscle. As soon as that is done, I imagine a twinkly bright white light, sometimes laced with blue or violet, that begins from the top of my head and works its way down to my toes. Then I begin breathing in different colours that correspond to each energy centre. I’ll start with red and focus on my root chakra and breathe in red until it feels full. Like filling a cup, sometimes it needs more and sometimes less. I’ll make a note of it and keep breathing. By the time I’ve reached my crown I am feeling so full of light I could float. Sometimes I do. No matter what the outcome, or where I go, I always come out of it remembering how good it feels to be with me.
Why am I going on about the way I meditate? Because I know this is a part of the relationship I want to expand upon. I miss going to yoga every week, I miss writing, I miss lucid dreaming, and astral projecting, I miss my soul. I know, of course, I’ll always be here, but it has been too easy shutting out, not shutting up, and running on auto.
My mind has been running rampant, so much so that I fell into an unhealthy binge of alcohol, weed, and tv sitcoms. Absolutely no nourishment for body or soul. It is not fair to beat myself up about it, but it is time to acknowledge that I have not been wanting what is best for me, and maybe I have forgotten how good it feels to be in a committed relationship with myself.
After bumping into who knows what, and falling down stairs, and getting an infection, and now being sick, I am in complete surrender mode, okay universe I get it.
Take it easy and take care of yourself, because it feels so much better.