Na-imnotgonna-ste

Currently, sitting in a coffee shop, with the drunkest man talking on his phone to the girl that he wants. Very badly it seems. “If I go to rehab, will you be with me after?” “I want you to know that you are on my mind, day and night, and I miss you so much, and I would do anything to make you happy” This poor sorry soul. He’s not even drinking coffee, he’s drinking a can of alcoholic fruit punch. *hangs up the phone* Loudly tells everyone, “I GOT KICKED OUT OF REHAB TODAY” Damn dude. He’s obviously hurting. And now the cops have arrived and have taken him away.

  Alcohol can be a cruel substance, just as much as it can comfort you, it can quickly take over the ability to cope without it. Love and lust, can be a cruel mix as well. Distinguishing one from the other, isn’t always as clear as we all wish it would be. Even after all the wrongs, I’ve always tried to stay open. Maybe too open, but I’d rather be who I am, then pretend to be something I’m not. I’d rather love than hate. I’d rather stay open then go into that cold place when you’ve blocked your own heart.

The things people do when they can’t feel their hearts anymore, it’s cruel. Cruel for everyone. And I’m the kind of person that would have loved to give that drunk bastard a hug and tell him not to give up, but self preservation is important too.

I’ve definitely noticed myself, staying away from the alcohol when Im not in a good head space. But when I am, I celebrate. Like Saturday for instance, it was my last day of work, marking the first day of freedom. I took myself out for dinner. Enjoyed a large bowl of Salt Spring Island mussels with a bowl of fries, and was pleasantly surprised at the bottle of bubbles, my former co-workers treated me to.

I have to say, I’ve worked at many places now, and this one really was a pleasure. I worked with people that I genuinely enjoyed being around. They each taught me something in their own ways. From how to be slightly more elegant, to more professional, to more feminine empowerment, to questioning morality, to learning to lighten up, how to remain calm, and when being an asshole (/losing everything may not be the loss you expected it to be) might just land you in paradise! They are all precious gems of beings and I feel incredibly fortunate to have spent the time together that we did. If any of you read this, namaste bitches. 

Being a server, has helped develop many life skills that I wouldn’t have otherwise. And servers are some of the most brilliant, kind, caring, and giving people you’d be lucky to get to know. We just want to make others happy, that’s the goal. Of course there is the monetary compensation, but we genuinely care, the good ones do. Ironically we serve food all day, and don’t eat it. We bite our tongue, when we’re spoken to inconsiderately, and it humbles us. We’re the givers.  As much as I enjoy the dynamic of the hospitality industry, I would like my serving days to be over. I love making connections with people and seeing them leave with a smile. I’ve even had people hug me after their meal. But this is only a facet of who I am. So I’ll take these tools I’ve acquired from my time I’ve put in, and use them elsewhere. To serve myself.

I’ve always wanted to write a book, to write a grant for a project with a cause. Maybe this seems a bit grim, but I keep thinking about what I’ll look back on when Im on my death bed. I keep thinking, will I regret not taking the chance? And the answer is, yes. I don’t want to live my life by the rulebook, in the comfort zone. I don’t want to live my life without putting myself out there. I don’t want to live my life without trying to do one small thing that genuinely makes the world a little bit nicer than when I arrived. It could be something as simple as building a community garden, it could be writing that book that I know someone will find some inspiration from, it could be raising money for wildlife and nature conservation with photographic documentation, maybe I should have hugged that guy and told him he’s got this! Sorry dude! 

But here I am now, trying to be the best version of myself. Unsure of what that is, but I’ll stay open and honest. I’ll remember my list of virtues. And when the times of solitude seem unsettling, I’ll remember, I’ve got this!

   

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