Post Tofino

Let’s see. I last checked in while I was up in Tofino and found out the hard way that I wasn’t going to be able to stay for long before I burnt through all my savings. So after I finished sending out that last post, I packed up my things, loaded up on gas and ended up driving all the way to Salt Spring Island. I had a bottle of Red wine and a bottle of Sparkling blackberry apple wine I bought some chocolate and dropped by at my Salty family’s house to find it was boys night. I have been so incredibly grateful for my adopted family on Salt Spring. I’ve always been welcomed and when all else fails in my world I have a safe place to return to, and fortunately or unfortunately enough that has been quite often over the past three years.

The next day I decided I would take Jeremiah and I down to one of our most precious spots nestled in the bay between two great mountains. I parked at the mariner side, and ended up spending two days in the same spot. It was probably the highlight of this entire adventure in the van this time around. I spent an entire day doing nothing but walking through autumn meadows, laying in the grass while Jeremiah ran circles around me. Taking breaks from walking to meditate under trees, to think, to ponder. I stumbled upon an apple tree in what seemed like the middle of nowhere. And I shook a branch and the most perfectly large and ripe apple fell down and became my afternoon snack. I walked the beaches back and forth and stumbled across my mariner friend and his pup again. I told him about my thoughts on driving down to the desert for the winter. He helped me look at my van and showed me how to check the oil and we listened to my engine. Diagnosis’ you’re gonna make it.

I ended up walking to a place called Daffodil point, it’s the end of a trail that winds up and down through thick forest, until you reach a place that was once inhabited and now nature has taken over. The only reminisce of civilization are the trails, a few crumbling walls of rock, and what I’ve found in the trees. The most prominent being a water pipe that a Garry Oak tree has formed itself around. Time revealed itself as I noticed the last time I had visited the tree I could still see the spout, and now the tree has formed around it. Unfortunately I have no photographic documentation.

In the spring the point becomes sprinkled in dozens upon dozens of daffodils, a yellow beacon of warm welcomes to approaching boats, and now in the fall, it was a luscious green with notes of warm yellows and orange in the falling leaves.

As I approached I stumbled upon a girl with her two dogs, mid thought. She was wrapped in a sarong, seeming to be convincing herself to dive into the icy ocean water. I apologized for interrupting the moment, and told her if I had mentally prepared myself I would have joined her. Then I walked as close to the water as I could and nestled myself on a rock where the crashing waves fell through the cracks under my feet. I crossed my legs and closed my eyes.

A few minutes later I heard the splash, she’d done it. I peeked an eye over my shoulder and then turned back to face the waves. What force is it that pushes us to dive into water that we know will not be comfortable, it won’t be easy, but somehow we determine it’s worth it? What is that?

I stayed on Salt Spring for a few more days after this. Then I returned to Vancouver Island for a sad visit back to where this all began. I reconnected with my ex and we spent a couple nights together and then I spent one night alone again in the same suite before I packed up the rest of my belongings and headed back to Salt Spring for one night. There I spent the night with my good girlfriend who her and her family has also been so welcoming, supportive, kind , caring, and loving. Im so grateful for you all. Thank you. We spent the night catching up and Jeremiah is always in heaven when he gets to be with one of his other mothers. Dalli helped raise Jeremiah while he was quite young. And overtime he sees her, he looooooses it. The bond animals form to the people they love is unending and they never forget.

Jeremiah and I formed a very close bond spending more one and one time together then we had been able to for a long time. We had each other’s back and that’s why this next part was so hard. My heart hurts now just thinking of it. But I know I had to do the right thing and that was give him a stable environment to be in while I figured out where our next move will be.

So the next morning at 5:30 am I woke up and got us to the ferry terminal. And our journey to the interior began.

Before we could go into the mountains, I had to pick up the keys to my old home. Which was a weird time trip. I was back to where I was three years ago, exactly. And it felt like it had been the longest three years of my life.

After a quick meet and greet and trade off. I threw as much as I could into the apartment so I could sleep in my van again, and made my way to the mountains. After listening to, the Beatles, Neil Young, Simon and Garfunkel, and singing my own top picks, I ended up stopping in Hope. It seemed fitting. I needed Hope. I had began to feel like I had caught a cold and I could feel the achenes in my joints begin to settle in. So I decided I needed to rest and eat something hot. I went to an old diner called “Home”, which I also felt like I needed. I sat down by myself in a family restaurant. I ordered a pot of hot orange pekoe tea and a bowl of chowder and a salad to be healthy. I managed to choke down my chowder and the tea was probably the best choice. As I ate, I begin to let myself think about where I was, then the memories started to kick in. I thought to myself, “The last time I had ate at this diner, I was moving here with him and I was fully convinced that I had found my home.” Quickly my thoughts began to spiral out of control. I think I wanted to feel sad, or else I would have just kept moving, but I couldn’t push myself any further for the day, my body was shutting down and my mind was reeling. I began to get so choked up that I couldn’t eat the rest of my meal. I did my best not to fully break down in public. I left cash and a good tip and slipped out the door. I tried to get back on the road, but I had lost control at this point and it was no longer safe to drive. So I went back to the parking lot at “Home” and I set up my van for stealth mode.

From there I had a full on meltdown. I let my mind follow train of thoughts that lead to nowhere but a land of self deprecation. I had put all my eggs in the basket. I had put my own agenda to the side to take a chance on love, I wanted a family, I wanted a home, I wanted all the things, and now I was going to have none of it. And the final straw, was having to let go of the one creature that loved me unconditionally and brought me continuous joy and gave me purpose. Of course, now I knew that I would be okay, but I began to feel hopeless in Hope, and homeless at “Home”.

As the morning broke, I felt like I had beat the fever and I had control again. I put a clean pair of black jeans on, a sleek black turtle neck, golden hoops, and my long winter trench coat. I brushed my hair, my teeth, refuelled, fed Jeremiah and decided we’d make our last leg of the journey into an adventure through the Oakanagan. It was a beautiful day and I began to soothe my mind with the knowledge that this was only a temporary time apart.

We arrived at the halfway point at half past noon. I found a room at a motel that was right next to a pub and a trail. So as I waited for my mother to arrive from Calgary, Jeremiah and I went for a walk along a beautiful mountain lake with sandy beaches, swans, and the clearest still blue water. It looked so good I wanted to drink it, but I left that for Jeremiah to experience for the both of us.

It made me contemplate moving into the mountains, what would it be like, how would we fair though the winter season? Nope, not my cup of tea. At around 3pm my mother arrived and I met her at the Moose Mulligans Pub. We ate and drank and had an early night. In the morning we attempted to dress Jeremiah’s ears as he constantly splits the ends of them whipping them around. One of the issues hounds have to put up with, is the length of their ears.

After about three tries, we had something kind of figured out and then it was time to say see ya later. I put some blankets and things that smell like us into my mom’s passenger seat. I wrapped him up in a blankets and hugged him and told him I loved him. Then I did the same for my mom, but without the blankets.

As I went to sit in my car, and my mom began to driveway, the realization hit him and I could hear him cry, I cried.

My mom called me to tell me he was crying, I half laughed and said, “me too”. Then she soothed my mind, as mother’s can tend to do, sometimes. I started up the van and I drove straight back to Vancouver, only stopping twice to refuel. I hit major traffic as soon as I got the outskirts of the city, and I grew somewhat anxious as the sun fell behind the horizon and the glare and blare of lights and sounds began. Time to adjust back to this rhythm.

I managed to find parking right outside of my building. I threw what I had enough energy to throw into my bachelor suite, and I slept on a pile of blankets.

That was a week and a half ago.

Now I am here at my favourite cafe, it’s pretzel-Friday, and I still need to work on my citi- 

-It ended here- Nov- 15th

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