It seems that I have come to place where, I’m unsure how honest I can be whilst writing to the general public. The thing is, I’m not writing for anyone but myself. So to be here now, at a place where I am now aware that there are more people keen on reading what I am putting out there, I feel slightly blocked from speaking about the things I would like to speak about, but I will continue to try to get there. Courage and Honesty,
Last night, I had a complete break down, in a good way. A lot of the time I will try to distract my mind with movement, and when I slow down it all catches up with me.
I have been caught in a weird place where I finally landed somewhere to rest and regather my bearings, but unable to relax, because I know I still have so much to do. This place I’ve landed is only temporary. My money has quickly dwindled down much faster than anticipated. I know I can pick up a job easily. I know I will find a home when it is right. I know that I will figure everything out and get to that place, but until I do, I feel like I can’t rest. I can’t deeply replenish my energy stocks and charge my battery to full capacity and I think part of this is because I haven’t given myself the time to mourn the ending of a life I was ready to bare.
So last night, as I ghosted all my friends and family. I quietly let myself cry. I looked out the same window I looked out of for 4 years, until I decided that I wanted to live on the island and moved away to start a new life, went through multiple heartbreaks, and never did I expect to be here again. Looking out that same window.
It feels like a huge slap in the face. Silly girl, such a dreamer, time to get real. I know that this is actually the most gracious of a gift I could have received from life itself. Here is my chance to try again.
I moved around my suite, but I was traveling through the past in my mind. At one point, an hour could have gone by, I walked into my closet and plunked myself down in a bucket of clothes to be folded and hung. My body went numb. I secretly hoped someone would come scoop me up and fold me too. I laid there in a pile, my bum in the bucket and my legs dangling over the edge, reviewing all the series of events.
At first I had wanted an adventure, and I had many. I left my partner of 5 years because I wanted more. I couldn’t see our lives changing from how mundane they had become. I wanted to travel, I wanted to have adventures, I wanted to live abroad, I wanted a family and I didn’t think he wanted the same, I wanted wanted wanted wanted more. Then when I left, I had those adventures. My heart was still on my sleeve and I let people tug on it here and there, but I kept searching outwardly.
Then I reached a point where I was exhausted and all I wanted was to find a home, I wanted a home and I wanted a partner that would support the same vision I had. I thought I had found that person and place. It seemed like all the signs were there. I was so enthralled by the story. I was convinced I had found my match and I introduced him to my family and told them that this was it. I got their approval, I seriously contemplated preparing my mind and body for children. I was in. I felt like I had it all. Only to discover it wasn’t real. It wasn’t solid. That foundation I had been standing on, wasn’t mine, and as soon as it started to give there wasn’t room for me to stand on a foundation that belonged to someone else, with hardly enough structural integrity in the first place.
As soon as I stepped off, I discovered my foundation had crumbled to nothing.
I know this is unfair to all of those that have really been through this experience, but it feels like I had a miscarriage. I feel empty inside. My heart hurts for the child I was ready to bare. I feel like I lost a life, a future, a family. I can’t explain how much it hurts to have lost that. And to be back where I was three years ago, in the same exact apartment. It stings.
I thought it was time, but I am glad that it wasn’t. I wouldn’t want to bring a life into this world on anything less than the most solid foundation I could offer. Now I realize, that I will need to create that for myself. It will take time to get back to that place again, but I’ve learned a lot about my values in the past three years. I’ve grown into a very strong woman that won’t accept anything that doesn’t serve the highest good of all. I’ve had to be the bigger person in many situations with full understanding that it wouldn’t always be the easiest way, but it has always been what I believed to be right. I have remained true to myself, and to others. I’ve held on to my virtues, and I’ve played with questioning of my morals and ethics. I know that I have inspired others to be the best version of themselves because it feels good. I give when I have nothing to give, because I truly believe that it has always come back in some way.
Just because my heart has been shattered, it doesn’t mean that Im closing it up and hiding it from the world. Im trying to let people know I’m there too, we’re in this together, even when we feel hopeless and alone. I feel you. I know this pain. Let’s hold it and feel it for awhile. See how strong we are? When we can’t let it go, let’s transmute it, let’s turn that into fuel to keep going. To push harder. I know you can handle it. One day, three years, or five years, or one month, we’ll have moments like these, where we can observe this strange passage of time and look back on this moment as a distant memory. It will feel so far away, but just like yesterday. That is what time is, a measurement of moments.
I’ve only half unpacked my things, not seeing the point anymore in unpacking when I know Ill be gone in a month. Im exhausted. Im exhausted on so many levels. It feels like I have no energy to move me forward, but I am pushing myself with little shoves.
And so here I am, falling, again the Fool.
The Fool that smiles as they blindly step off the cliff, into the unknown. I’m not worried one bit really, yes I have anxiety about how to get there, which I know is pointless, but I know I have acquired a knack for picking myself up over and over again. Im fucking tired, but I’ll do it.