Ahhh It’s been awhile since I last wrote…maybe because I’ve been reluctant to share all the details of what these past couple of months have entailed. I mostly feel uncomfortable sharing the fact that I’ve been attempting to date again, and I eventually found out that it was too soon. So in hindsight, it was probably for the best that I restrained myself from writing about how excited I was. Only to discover that I really am not prepared to be in a relationship yet. Once I started to notice myself catching the feels I quickly fell into this self destructive pattern where I let fear overpower my thoughts. Something in me was so afraid of being abandoned that I became this clingy needy version of myself that even I found absolutely repulsive. Something changed in the course of two months where I stopped focusing on my needs and started projecting them onto someone who had their own life to worry about. It’s as though I abandoned my ship and started swimming over to someone else’s boat and attempted to climb on while they were just trying to stay afloat themselves. Luckily, this person was in tune with their own needs and put their foot down to declare their boundaries, and now I’m back in my boat again. Trying not to lose myself in another relationship, and instead focusing on self awareness and making everyday a series of small successes.
I invested in a book called “Getting the Love You Want” , written by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen Hunt Ph.D, and as cheesy as it sounds, it’s actually really helped me not only reflect on my relationships with potential partners, but with all of my loved ones. Rather quickly, I’ve become aware of my minds reactions to triggers that were wired into me from early childhood, and have been able to recall the experience that Im actually responding to from the past. I’ve begun to notice the pattern of partners I’ve been drawn to and why I am drawn to them. In the past week I’ve come to realize that I have never been in a conscious relationship, and what I mean by that is, I haven’t been able to really see myself clearly until now. It’s unfortunate that it’s taken me this long to get to this place, but some people never do. It’s also unfortunate how many of us have wounds from our childhood that we carry into our relationships, but if we are able to take a step back and really listen to the people we care for, and see through these reactions, we can discover a new way of communicating to one another that can truly heal one another. Which is why we choose the people we grow close to, in order to replay these experiences in what should be a safe environment. And that is what I’ve begun to learn how to do by reading this book. It is in our power to cultivate a safe place for the people we care about, to feel able to be open and vulnerable. I’ve come to realize that I keep creating hostile environments, instead of creating a safe place I’ve become an interrogator in order to feel safe. This stems from being abandoned and lied to and cheated on throughout my entire life. Unfortunately, what I’ve resorted to as a method of protection has actually created this loop on replay where I end up creating a situation where the person I fear is going to leave me is interrogated to the point where they no longer feel comfortable sharing how they truly feel, and then lying, or avoiding the truth, becomes easier for them. It’s taken me over a decade to finally realize what’s been wrong isn’t the people I’ve been falling for, it’s how I am to them once I do.
And the truth shall set you free. So here I am now learning how to rewire my brain. Learning how to really open my heart up. Learning that I truly want to create a safe environment, for my family, my friends, and the people I love. Learning that I truly do not know what I am doing, but I am learning how to be the calm in the eye of the storm. Im learning how to really listen, instead of inspecting and taking things personally. In my heart of hearts, I want to be there for the people I care about. I want to be the Sun that radiates positivity, fun, and warmth. And now that I’ve realized that I have been acting like a big self absorbed baby who’s only concern is to not get hurt again I’m focusing on rewiring my hardwired system. So I truly apologize to all my friends and family and people that I love, for not really being present with you in our time together. It feels like I have been stuck behind a glass wall for as long as I can remember unable to truly participate in connecting with the outside world. And I’ve made it my goal to be a better version of myself that is free from fear and doubt, and instead full of love and compassion. So thank you to everyone for your patience.