Currently sitting in a coffee shop, for the first time in many months. It’s been a couple months now since I last wrote, and I fear I might have shook myself up more than anyone that read my post! Shortly after I posted that excerpt, I had many people message me and a few reach outs, and overall I was surprised to see how powerful of a post that was. It took a lot of courage to put my wounds out there for everyone to see, and I felt fine when I posted it, but there were a couple comments that made me feel worried that I had made others think/see me as a person that wears there trauma as their identity. Not that what others think or see me as matters, but I specifically asked everyone to limit their shock comments and it wasn’t easy for everyone, so I understand. I fell into a bit of a depression, and I wished my identity away.
2 days later, someone robbed me of all my exposed valuables in the basement, one of those being my purse holding all of my identification. Instantly, I had got what I had asked for. It didn’t feel real at first. I had so many things that had yet to find a place in my home that I couldn’t even tell what was stolen. They took all my memories. My computer, my speed-lite flash I had saved up for, all my memory cards, my external hard-drive, my favourite film camera, my roommates shoes, and my roommates bike seat. It sucked to lose all my photographs, all the writing I had done, and all the music I had ever made. But Ive let go of the things, they are just things. Someone needed it more than me, and I was taught a valuable lesson, or two, in a harsh unsettling way. Something about it snapped me out of funk. I needed a good wake up call and that was it.
I had failed to mention previously how I was looking into hiring a personal mentor to help guide me towards my ideal self, someone to hold me accountable, someone to talk to that would just listen to me without needing to really try to solve any of my problems but just hold a space that I could return to and check in with Jessica. I had met a really high vibrational being just before I had been robbed, and then after I had been robbed I didn’t feel like I had the money or time to be able to commit to the program that was being offered to me. AND THEN, my best friend reached out to tell me she was taking a life coaching course and needed a guinea pig! Free life coaching sessions?! It was exactly what I was looking for.
When we began I had moved all my things to the basement to basically defend my home turf. I slept on the floor for about a month until I finally felt like upgrading back to my van life platform. I have never owned so much stuff until now. I went from van life to a 11,000 sq ft heritage home. I own three beds and I don’t sleep on any of them. I lease a 3 storey home with 4 bedrooms and a basement, and I don’t sleep in any of them. And I do this happily and willfully! Originally I had hoped to turn the space into an Airbnb and make a large profit, but who could have predicted that there would be a global pandemic?! So instead the space has turned into affordable living at a stunningly breathtaking location, with a sense of home and community. For myself, the dining room with the vintage chandelier and swinging door, as well as enclosed balcony, has become me ghetto boujee bedroom.
So slowly, but surely a fire was lit from under me and I came back to life. In the same week that I was robbed, I also discovered that my grandmothers cancer had progressed and she had a short amount of time to live. It made living my life to the fullest all the more relevant.
As time moved forward, so did I. I felt the push I needed to keep going. I watched the Eagles soaring above the house, reminding me to hold the vision. I started with getting back into a yoga routine. I craved the time to be in my body and out of my mind.
My first successful tool was setting alarms on my phone throughout the day to remind me of what I was doing. I’ve recently become more aware of the fact that Im a highly functioning person with ADD, so it has helped me not only keep track of time, but to stay focused. I made it fun, by adding emojis for each event, as well as changing the alarms to different songs that would put me in the mood to do whatever it is I had set out for myself the previous day.
For awhile the only thing that I managed to accomplish was yoga at 9 am. No matter what time I ended up getting out of bed, or what I needed to do that day I always made time to hit the mat. Eventually it developed into a habit, and the first cog of the machine gained it’s momentum enough for me to not have to think about it too much everyday.
My “coach” gave me a great visualization tool to use when thinking about striving towards becoming your ideal self. The first is, you already are that ideal self, think of yourself as the perfect machine, each skill set, each special source of knowledge, every habit, every thought pattern, every program you currently have set, they are all a functioning gear that runs this machine. There are gears you have yet to turn, but as you start to understand the mechanics of the machine, you learn which gears need more tending to. So you focus in on that gear, you focus on it long enough that it begins to spin, soon as it starts to spin, it slowly gains momentum. After awhile, you wont need to focus on it so much anymore it will run on its own. Then you can tend to the other gears, and eventually you will understand how you tick, what makes you tick, and that perfect machine will run with more ease.
For myself, a lot of these gears I want to focus on are habits that I would like to develop and skill sets I’d like to gain. This past week my challenge has been to get up and out of bed and out of the house by 6:30am. Then I send a video as proof that I had to my “life coach”/best friend. At first I felt soooooo groggy, every video is me half asleep but with my pup and ready to start the day.
As the week progressed it not only became easier for myself to pop up and out of bed, but also I started aiming higher. Instead of just going for a walk, I drove to a place where I could hike, and because it was early, hardly anyone is ever around!
I had the best day on Monday, I woke up and decided to drive to Lighthouse Park, I let Jeremiah off leash and jogged through the trails with a feeling of playful lightness and freedom. I stopped to watch an Eagle resting on the top of the lighthouse, searching for his breakfast. As I was sitting on a cliff filled with gratitude, my brother called me to invite me out for cliff jumping, so I went, and then we got back and had a delicious Rice burger meal and then I went to the beach and watched the day end.
Yes, this is an easy day for someone that is living off of government emergency funding, but it’s been a chance to fill our cups and really reevaluate what it is that we want to be doing and giving as a service to our world.
Through this month I’ve re-evaluated my personal values, I’ve written out my vision, I created a personal mission statement, I’ve accessed what it is I still have, and the list is long! I’ve formed a vision and shifted my perspective from feeling like everything was so out of reach, to anything is possible with a solid plan followed by pursuit! After reminding myself how to visualize I’ve moved into action and currently I am working on creating myself a routine that is perfectly catered to assisting me in gaining the skills and the habits I require to function as my ideal self!
I would like to continue on with these thoughts, but now it’s time for me to keep this ball rolling. So to anyone who is curious, Im doing really well! I know that whatever comes my way, I can act through the lens of my values. I strive for my vision. I am doing my best.