Notes of Darkness

I have come to realize a few things over the past month, and one very important observation, that I’ve made as I sit here on a plane going to my Papa’s funeral and to be a pillar of support for a very wounded family.

I may not be a coastguard, or a doctor, or a firefighter, but the work that I have been doing on myself and others have benefited from, comes from an equal yet indirect place of courage. It is more subtle than CPR, or putting a forest fire out, and so many have dismissed it as passive, but it is a slow burning force that has long term effects and for that it is incredibly powerful.

I am rewiring my entire system and setting out a blueprint for others to learn how to do this work for many years to follow. That is my goal, that is my purpose. I am a master healer, I am a channel of high vibrational energy, a medium of spirit, an Earth angel, and most importantly, I am a natural born leader. I am navigating through uncharted emotional waters, and learning how to take off the armour that I spent a lifetime building. Through this process, I’ve discovered that because I grew up as a highly adaptable human, all of my coping and guarding mechanisms are equally as adaptable and tricky to pinpoint. Sometimes, I cant tell if I’ve actually managed to withhold my reactions and stay in the now, or if I’ve just become very good at holding my composure. I am learning how to completely rearrange my reactive process, from the thought, to the feeling, to the emotion, to the action and reactions. The hard part, is confronting the past, the pain, the not-so-good feelings, the shadows.

A quote I recently heard went something like this, “keep your shadow in front of you or it will always be following you.” So what is shadow work? Why do so many people seem to understand the concept, but who is doing the work?

I recently met someone that I automatically clicked with, there was a natural comfort with each other’s presence, I hadn’t felt like this so quickly, ever. He seemed to see me and I needed to be feel seen. Our first date was a dream come true, and the connection was so mutual. We leaned in equally, we communicated clearly, and when we made mistakes in how we phrased something we weren’t afraid to admit it, because we automatically set up a safe zone. I felt safe enough to really open my heart up and adore him as much as I felt he deserved, and I felt that right back, finally! We spoke briefly about our shadows, but we wanted to ride the good feelings for as long as we could, and we did.

Unfortunately a harsh truth became more and more clear, we got hooked to the good feelings and stopped feeling curious, because we had got what we wanted, the good things. I started to feel lost in this euphoria and I began to feel shame when I didn’t feel good. To be honest, I felt like I had a new addiction. I stopped doing yoga every morning, I stopped biking, I stopped pursuing my vision, and everything that was moving me forward. But the absolute biggest disservice that I did to myself, was let a mix of my past and his stories of previous partners make me feel like I didn’t hit the mark.

It wasn’t the first time I had felt like I couldn’t keep up, I had just dated someone that gave me that complex, and so on our first date I tried to explain that that is not how I want to feel from a partner, and rightfully so. But still I let myself play that story in my head. I started to reevaluate not my body, but my brain, my type, my passions, my purpose, and my accomplishments.

This complex isn’t something that a guy just recently gave me, it was ingrained into my system as a child. I never felt good enough. I could be an honour roll all A advanced student, I could be a competitive swimmer, blue ribbon equestrian, long distance track and cross country athlete but still I was never good enough. So eventually I stopped trying, but those feelings never went away, they were never healed and continuously transferred into every relationship asking for someone to heal me.

I started noticing my shadows casting themselves in our honeymoon phase like glow, and my absolute biggest regret is that I let my shame take away from his success. Instead of being able to respond with equal amounts of pride and joy, I found my shadows following closely behind. I said two terrible things, ” I feel like you are more dialled than me” and “I just want to meet you at your level” and with that, we were no longer on the same level, because I put him above myself. Not because these statements were true, but because I struggle with self doubt, but who wants to admit THOSE feelings, and who would ever love someone that ever doubted themselves?

Honestly though, if I am being real, I am glad that I felt I wasn’t ever enough. Im glad that I rebelled against the traditional path that was laid out in front of me. Why? Because Im doing the real work that matters to me most in the long run. I have my entire life to keep levelling up my skills and certifications, but how do I want to live it? That is what I value. I know what it feels like to keep running and get no where, and once you do get there it’s never enough. I know what the restless mind does to a person. I was raised by that force and she is an amazing woman, but she learned from me the power of self acceptance and being unapologetically you in the raw. I don’t want to keep breaking my foot because the universe is trying to tell me to slow down. I don’t want life to be a struggle. I want to sort my self out now, before I have kids and risk any chance of raising them as a wounded parent.

After giving more thought towards what type of person I am I’ve come to understand Im much happier and proud to embrace my type.  I am the calm in the eye of the storm. I am the person you can lean on to find inner peace. Why? Because I have worked hard to make that happen. It is the work that goes unseen by the majority, and when someone recognizes it is very validating. This is the work that last not only a lifetime, but for future generations to come.

I am not saying that I have reached nirvana, but I am saying that I have developed skills and tools to be able to handle all of those emotions, so many of us avoid feeling. Not only that, but I have watched people change their patterns and live more fulfilling lives by pure inspiration set by leading by example.

What have I influenced? Sharing my struggles has helped woman accept their bodies and look in the mirror everyday and love themselves more and more. I know this because they tell me and they thank me, and I think to myself “Wow, I did that?!”

I’ve helped humans become more aware of what they put in their bodies as an act of love towards themselves and the planet. Literally saving lives!

I’ve helped people by holding them in a safe place and showing them my scars so they would know that they could heal theirs too.

And now I am diving in, deeper and deeper, into the dark waters of the emotional realm. It feels like you are swimming into nothingness and all you feel is more and more weight, but you learn how to adjust and bear it, maybe even grin in the painful process. I know I may not find anything while I go in blindly, but I want to feel it all. I want to learn how to taste the different flavours of feelings and understand their notes. I want to navigate the depths for others, because this kind of knowledge and understanding is uncharted, and because of this I am not only a leader, but a historian.

It takes courage, to know it wont feel good, but remain willing to sit in that discomfort. It is a skill. It takes courage to continue to share my experiences so that I can allow others a path.

Sometimes people say, I have everything I want, but Im still not happy. What I would ask is, did you lose yourself along the way? The one sure thing in this life, the one person that will always be there for you, is you. So how much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice? What pieces will you give up and what will you take with you along the way?

 

Sending all my love and strength to everyone

Thank you for reading