Chapter 28

 

 

Where do I begin…this week has been full of hard truths and hard goodbyes. I am currently in Colorado Springs, sitting in a basement room I use to hate being sent to and I am reflecting back on this week and all of the events in my life that have lead to this moment.

This morning I woke up at 3:33 am, 3 minutes after I came into this world 28 years ago. I woke up turned my light on, and a mouse ran across the floor. Great. The last time I was here, I was around the age of 9 or 10 I believe. I was in this room, it was my birthday, and I can remember everything more and more as I spend time here. The good things and the not so nice.

But today I want to look forward, today I want to make my peace and say goodbye to what no longer serves my greatest joy. I have made a rather big decision that I hope all of my friends and family can respect, I’ve decided to go 365 days completely sober. I don’t think I have a serious problem with alcohol or cannabis, but I don’t want to lean on anything, or anyone, anymore. This is my gift to myself.

This morning, I continued to spill my guts out to the man I was seriously falling for. I watched as I tried to not give up, and realized it was time to move on. Maybe I’m an approval addict as well, and so what I find even harder than giving up substances, is to give up on love. But when was the last time I spent a whole year to myself? Quite some time. A part of me is afraid I’ll be closing the door for that special someone to come through and connect, but I’ll stay open to connection. The only person I am going to wholeheartedly commit to is me, and I need me more than anyone.

I have some big goals to accomplish, and so it is time to start making movements to get closer to that vision. For one, I would like to run at the least a half marathon next year. I can do that. So this morning, I went for a run.

Secondly, I would like to start writing a book, so I have started reading a book that motivates me to make that happen. And here I am, writing, and editing my Papa’s obituary and my friend’s first chapter of his novel.

Thirdly, I would like to start a drone business. So I have purchased the course, I have a drone, and am 1/4 of the way to finishing it.

Lastly, I would like to purchase a home, by myself, rent it out, pay off the mortgage, and have that peace of mind. So here I am helping my family sell my Papa’s estate and looking towards the horizon.

This is going to be a big year of even more growth to come, and my goal is to be the absolute best that I can be. Before I turn 30, I would like to look at myself and see a strong ass smart ass beyond capable woman that inspires others to be the best versions of themselves as a writer that continues to use truth as the ultimate tool, as a healthy lifestyle advocate that nurtures the people around her as well as herself, as a vegan triathlete that trains not to win but to prove to myself that I CAN, as a self made business owner that couples diligence with creativity, and as proud homeowner that provides security for myself and others, before the time that I hit 30.  Then I will publish that book and inspire other women to step into their full potential.

I know that seems like a lot, but I can see how with enough focus and perseverance, I can do this. No more distraction, no more clouding my vision. 2 years, plenty of time. Training has already begun.

 

Happy Birthday Jessica.

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